A break from cultural witticisms

So I've got nothing for you today that bitches about popular culture. This is more of a personal rant. This Spring Break I traveled with 13 other people to Nicaragua. It was a service trip where we taught English at a school. That was the greatest need for the school that requested us. They had never encountered a native English speaker and they needed to learn English. So we traveled to Managua, Nicaragua for a day and then to Matagalpa, Nicaragua where we taught. Then we traveled back to Managua.

In the one week I spent in Nicaragua I witnessed many things. I got to see the most extreme poverty that I have ever seen in my lifetime. I got to experience the sharing of cultures where language, no matter how fragmented it was, was never a barrier. The Nicaraguan school children are very giving, offering juice boxes, bracelets, candy, stickers, and various other momentos for their English teachers. Many Nicaraguans could be found sitting on chairs in their front yard spending quality time with family and friends. The only people who seemed to be in a rush were the taxi cabs who drived like maniacs. Or perhaps their driving skills greatly surpassed my own. I envy these people. I envy the fact they can sit on their chairs and spend time with their loved ones. Many of these people will never have the opportunity I have. They will not go to college, they will not go to grad school, they will not make prominent careers for themselves, live in large lavish houses, own three cars and such. They will not experience the joy of a higher education, learning about all aspects of life. They are deprived. All they can do is sit on their chairs and watch the day go by. Maybe they make bread and sell it from restaurant to restaurant. Or try to sell sweet rolls on the corner. Maybe they play in a band and try to make a living 30 cortaba a song. Or maybe families deny their own children education and send them out to beg for money from the rich Gringos. I don't know everyone's situation. What I do know is despite the fact I am priviledged with opportunity, I envy those people.

While in Nicaragua, I did not want to leave. It wasn't a matter of getting back to schoolwork or the cold Virginia weather. I seriously thought to myself "what do I have to go back to?" What I experienced in Nicaragua was a far greater experience that I have had in my whole life. Yes, I have family and friends, and an education to receieve and a career to find and goals to meet. But seriously, I hate the fact my whole life is dictated by what meetings I have next. Ever since I got back to the US it has been rush here, rush there, get this done, make that appointment, make that meeting, finish this project, start that project. After being in Nicaragua, I feel as if I am wasting my life. I am not truely living. I do not have time to take advantage of the simple things in life because my life is surrounded by complicated things. The solution would be to quit some activities so I could enjoy the finer things, but what do I quit? APO, which I don't really do much for? Phi Mu, where I am Vice President and embrace my sisterhood and leadership position, theatre, something actually career related. My job, even though I have monthly bills that I have to pay off. School? Hell no. Church, my life has been a bit more smoother since I started going to mass more often.

I often get irritated because there are not enough hours in the day. I stay up late, post meetings, to finish my work but yesterday I found out my roomate has a problem with that. In a rant about how she envies that I can work so well in the midst of distractions, she bitched at me, saying she can't get any sleep because I have to stay up late typing and doing work so she can't fall asleep and she has to wake up really early to work out to impress her boyfriend. She bitched that I get to sleep in when she doesn't, even though it is her personal choice to wake up early and exercise. Then she compliments the air freshener I purchased last night, but complained that it smells like chemicals this morning. It seems that everything I do is a problem to her. I want to make this clear, I was in this room first. She is the one who wanted to leave Ludwell and move into the house and my room was the only vacent spot. She knows that my schedule is not like hers. I do not go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 7am. My meetings last until 10pm and then I have to stay up later to finish work. I have tried to be a very courteous roomate. Despite the fact she reads aloud everything thing she finds interesting and expects me to drop everything to listen to her each time she discoveres something new. Despite the fact that she wakes me up early in the morning when she goes out to exercise. Desptie the fact she tends to speak her mind to the point where it is rude. I still put up with it. I don't complain when she wakes me up. I stop and listen to what she has to say. I read her presentations and letters when she asks me to. I share in her excitement when she turns in a grad school application. When I'm out late, I leave my clothes and toothbrush downstairs so all I have to do is crawl into bed when I return. I try to go to bed when she does most of the time, even if it means not finishing my work. So her bitching has put me in a negative mood.

I didn't complain once in Nicaragua. The heat, I embraced because it was cold in VA. The bugs in my room didn't even freak me out. I would feel gross, sweaty, and tired by the end of the day and I loved it. I even got a little sick and I didn't even complain. I complain a lot by nature, but this was not true in Nicaragua. Even though we were on a tight schedule, there wasn't a moment where I felt rushed and hurried. I felt as if we spent months there instead of one week. I was myself and did not worry about judgements. I didn't wear any makeup, I didn't suck my stomach in, I didn't fix my hair. I didn't care how I looked and people still found things to love about me. I never censored myself and the team still had wonderful things to say about me during affrimations. I got to see who I really am when taken outside of my country and placed somewhere new. The enviornment didn't define who I was. I got a glimpse of my original self.

All these things and more are bothering me. There is a complete lack of balance in my life. I, a people person, do not want to be bothered by anyone right now. I just want to be alone, with my pictures and memories. This is not the person I became in Nicaragua. This is not a change I want to have or embrace. I love people and being social and being around people and places. I look for any opportunity I can find to interact with someone. So why do I feel so lost? Why am I so anti-social? I can't go back to Nicaragua this year, I need to accept that. I have stories and memories that need to be shared. I need to get used to my hustle and bustle lifestyle again. But how do I do this? I feel like a part of me is missing and perhaps I left it behind in Nicaragua.